Lost momentum

God why is it so hard to get my shit together

Post delete Post delete post

Post

Typing is easier than writing. I write everyday, nearly. I write a lot and surrender to my journal. My notebook knows I'm vulnerable and struggling with mental health issues.

Delete

Post

Posting is my thoughts and feelings put into perspective. Like what are other people going to think when they see this? A Facebook status complaining about my eating disorder.. how will it be read. Will I be judged or supported? Will the outcome help or hinder me? Am I even struggling with a disorder? Who will this offend if I post and will it seems as though I'm attention seeking?

Delete

Post

Oeranalizing aside, it keeps me from seeking attention. Overanalizing before posting is an easier crazy to deal with than overanalizing after posting.

I'll look forward to rereading this when I get my shit together

I get something out of posting. My obsession over 'likes' and comments from other people seems to navigate my social life. What is an outing without a good post. It's sad.

I know I'm a good person, attractive and hilarious, with a lot to offer.. a bad ass. And I don't need affirmation. I'm happy, confident, successful and redefining myself every day.

But I don't want to be obsessed anymore. My addictive personality mixed with my insecurities, that I'm too proud to address, is leading to self destruction.

So I'm posting now. Yes, maybe not helpful but it's just an experiment.

A post without pressure or likes or comments or any sort of reaction. I'm still  putting my feelings, concerns, weaknesses out there and the good stuff too! Like how dope my sober weekend was.

Time to empty my drafts.

Only 4 days??????

Ok. New contract. First blog:

This ship, carnival imagination, is a beaut. Kind of dated, but still an absolute gem, from the layout to the decor. Mind you, my judgement doesn't mean much because this is only the second ship that I've been on. I know that once I get a little more comfy here- figure out where the funships I'm going, I'll be having a really enjoyable time.

I've only been here hardly 4 days but it feels like I've been here for weeks. Even reading back the beginning of that last sentence in my head blew my mind.. 4 days?????!!? Thats what rehearsals are about. Get as much crammed in as little time as possible. 2 shows worth of material in 4 weeks to be exact. 

My body has been going through an early morning gym sesh followed by hours of choreography and vocal rehearsals into show watch, maybe an hour or 2 of personal practice then bed for 6 hours. But that's just my body. What I've been going through lately, doesn't even compare. The mental and emotional toll that is just beginning is already, for lack of better terms, sucky. I have good times and bad times, standard.. The last two days however... Mind blowing blowing pride to be here, an unshakable confidence from all the support I have back home.. to.. Tears and lots of tears due to physical pain, identity crisis', the earth is moving and I am always hungry!!!

Complaining is boring. Moving on..

On this ship we have what's called towel animal theatre. It's a puppet show. Dats rite, I'm in a puppet show y'all. So we learnt the technique, got to know the characters then did a lot of playing around with the puppets.. Any way long story short, I'm one of the main characters! Bonussss. The frog, ribbit, is pretty dumb- funny dumb. Kind of like my dog, you love him because is so blissfully unaware of how funny he is. Except my dogs dumb AND ugly, this frogs cute. I'll blog about the story line another day..

Really don't have much time to be doing this.. I'm just taking a break from listening to harmonies over and over. 

Last thing.. Something I've learnt..

Don't be phased by people who aren't on your level. Worry about nailing the one you're on, then get in to the next.

Shoutout to the haters ;)

Deuces. 

Realism. A thank you.

So grateful for the support and helpful advice I've received throughout this contract. What I've realized now is it's those "is that ok?" moments that reveal who in your life is honest. Your instincts and feelings never lie, but manipulative people do. Finally feeling confident enough to stand tall and speak up for what I know is right. So thank you. And to the liars and waste yutes who take advantage of my optimism, reconsider. 

Things that make me happy

Found a page in my note book with a scribbled list of "things that make me happy" in green ink. Im certain I wrote this drunk. I'm a philosopher after my second glass.. In no particular order

Dance

Music

Exercise

Chicken

Falafel

Public speaking

Pictures

Social media

The news

Sleep

Jackson

Marijuanna 

Crying

Success

Making out

Goal setting 

Goal reaching

Starbucks

Free wifi

The colour purple

Funny people

Chocolate

Boys

Good looking boys

Pizza

Attention

Compliments

Gossip

Performing

Makeup

Showering 

Losing weight 

DIVAS

Swimming

Toronto 

blue jays

Dance parties in my room

Cosmo

Money

Eye lashes

Compliments

Writing

Pretending to be drake

Dressing up

Shopping

Sunshine

Pineapples

Stretching

Drinking

I didn't write family or friends.. Which I find really bazarre.. There were a few other things but I kept it pg 13 for my people.

Later dayyyzzzzzzz

Update

That awkward moment when you realize the post you wrote last week is missing.. I typed up a pretty damn long update.. Basically summed up October. I was planning on sending it to my fam jam. That didn't happen. Ya. Awkward. And I really don't feel like re writing it buuuuuuut I have a crap load of free time ATM so why nat..

How does wind work? Like, where does the movement start? I don't get it. Speaking of ATM I've paid off my OSAP! Just in time for my 19th birthday (tomorrow). You know what they say... Ain't nothing like paying off a student loan before your legal bday!!!!!! Nobody says that. Is it odd that I hope you're reading this thinking wtf is she drunk which is the perfect Segway for no because I'm not drinking for the rest of my contract!!!!!! .....Slay...... I've almost completely entirely gone insane. I'm proud of myself :) hopefully that explains why I am not excited to see the hunger games sequel and equally unexcited, not sure where I'm going with this. But I do know that I don't know where my doughnut is. *funnel bump*

And that's October in a nutshell

To be continued