Lost momentum

God why is it so hard to get my shit together

Post delete Post delete post

Post

Typing is easier than writing. I write everyday, nearly. I write a lot and surrender to my journal. My notebook knows I'm vulnerable and struggling with mental health issues.

Delete

Post

Posting is my thoughts and feelings put into perspective. Like what are other people going to think when they see this? A Facebook status complaining about my eating disorder.. how will it be read. Will I be judged or supported? Will the outcome help or hinder me? Am I even struggling with a disorder? Who will this offend if I post and will it seems as though I'm attention seeking?

Delete

Post

Oeranalizing aside, it keeps me from seeking attention. Overanalizing before posting is an easier crazy to deal with than overanalizing after posting.

I'll look forward to rereading this when I get my shit together

I get something out of posting. My obsession over 'likes' and comments from other people seems to navigate my social life. What is an outing without a good post. It's sad.

I know I'm a good person, attractive and hilarious, with a lot to offer.. a bad ass. And I don't need affirmation. I'm happy, confident, successful and redefining myself every day.

But I don't want to be obsessed anymore. My addictive personality mixed with my insecurities, that I'm too proud to address, is leading to self destruction.

So I'm posting now. Yes, maybe not helpful but it's just an experiment.

A post without pressure or likes or comments or any sort of reaction. I'm still  putting my feelings, concerns, weaknesses out there and the good stuff too! Like how dope my sober weekend was.

Time to empty my drafts.